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Unfortunately, the debt collection industry is a dark and murky place.Agencies regularly try to blur the lines of legality, and their sole objective is to get as much of your money as possible.

This plot replays itself over and over again for months on end.

I arrange to meet personal trainer Nyambe Ikasaya for advice. He points out this is not the result of just one night’s drinking. “Don’t worry,” she says, “I can cook for you all the time.” I haven’t the heart to tell her this is well-nigh impossible. Day 9: ‘Gin is the way forward’Fall off the wagon in a Spanish restaurant that does the most amazing gin and tonics. Not the epiphany of a Gywneth, and God knows it costs a fortune, but at least it’s not quark. Fly home stressed and, once there, I reach for the prosecco.

He has – and I’m getting technical here – a lard testing machine, and I’m too lardy. He gives me what he calls “a nutritional protocol” and what I call “a diet”. He asks me what I want to achieve, and I enjoy whinging on to him. I am eating a lot of eggs but have given up proper cooking altogether. Decide that gin is the way forward as I genuinely don’t care about food. Day 10: ‘I have lost a couple of kilos of fat’Spectacularly hungover and I have to get weighed. So, if weight loss is the measure of all things, then something’s working …Days 11-12: ‘Eat celeriac’Go to Copenhagen for the weekend. We are burgled and fined on the same day in Denmark. Find some horrible chocolates that no one ate at Christmas.

As long as the 0 plus a .50 fee is paid at the end of the two-week term – the time your next paycheck comes due – you’ll be debt free. Before you know it, you run out of money again and can’t repay the loan two weeks later.

So you pay a fee to extend the loan for another 14 days.




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